we are no longer in this place. i want a re-do of
the decade. i want us to realize how worn and how
much struggle we’ve survived and love one another
with this compassion, even still. even after death
and being kicked out and injury and natural disaster,
i want to root in that place, be accountable and
know what i need to work on and see if we can move
i miss our hair this way too.
[she wrote this 4 years ago / after my ma passed]
dearest friends, famz, community…
all heartswing heartfelt thanks and blessings to you.
after flying around the world and back,
after business and organization that does not allow time for grief,
after doing all this in the philippines,
and then starting it all over again in chicago…
after sun, sand, and sky we have no words for,
after navigating the unknown and moving forward in strength,
after the heat of the philippines and chicago and the morning light’s greeting,
after all manner of spine and bold and patient and cultivating home…
i am back on the east coast, ny/nj,
putting familiar keys into front door locks,
sleeping in my bed in jersey city.
i don’t quite know what to do,
and re-integrating will take time.
i will allow myself space and stillness.
i will allow myself process
there are no words to describe my gratitude and the combined thanks from kay and i for your support, kindness, and loving. the many ways you’ve held us, and continue to do so have been Spirit Strength that is nourish when all else is uncompassionate. thank you for your patience as we slowly re-connect, re-discover, and re-create this home space.
this will all take time.
time for stories to unfold.
time to emerge stretched and growing.
time to count our blessings and our learnings.
time to acknowledge our hurtings.
time to release and let go.
time to decide what to keep, and how to keep it.
i am in a state of perpetual time/space/language/culture shock.
i’m going to be ghost for awhile, limit phones and email for a bit.
but i wanted you to know that i am back in this version of home,
that i’ve carried you all with me and keep you in my daily intentions,
and look forward to sharing table and laughter, and building with you